present.

A thought...if I was more present today I would see more of the problems and be able to handle the others better. I also wonder if one of the reasons I like not beign present is because I look for a world that is so much better. When I am not present you do not have to exzperience all of trhe pains that you are normally subject to. It just does not matter to you as much because you are waiting for something that is wonderful and you hold on to that. I wonder if there is any truth to this. It is just a nicer place where dreams are and ideals. It is a hard thing to part with. But if I could dream and build up things about other places, would it change anything? I used to do that with the mission filed and then I went and realized it is not as wodnerful as I thought. I wonder if this is the same case. If I am perhaps trying to insulate myself from the world and people. That is not a good thing for one wanting to be a missionary. I think it is a self defense mechanicism. Lord show me what to do. Tear down every idol and teach me how to constructively deal with this.

camping

I am on my way to go camping in about 15 minutes. I am excited. I think that it should be alot of fun. Unfornately it has been really crazy too. I am trying to pack as well for a trip out east to a wedding that I am going to. I don't quite know how I did this, but I mixed up the time and I am supposed to be leaving at 12am wend. night. I am not so happy about that. I'm going to get no sleep. I hope though that this time with everyone else is relaxing and fun.
I am starting to feel a little old at the moment. It's that feeling when you have been around people alot younger than you for a while then you see others your age and you feel alittle out of step with reality of where you think that you should be. I try to find that spot. I haven'tbe able to though. I feel alittle behind in some ways. Is this what I should be doing? what inthe world is eveyone else doing? I don't really see alot of them.
time to go!
Jyl

my feelings on death of dreams

I'm sitting in the office of Innerchange, one of the few places that have available internet around here. I don't really still know whattowrite. What is too personal but what needs to be let out. I haven't really liked these things before. Why would I think the rest of the world wants to read this and why would they?
I am in the middle of sorting through grieving. I was in a relationship for a while that a lot of dreams and hopes were a part of. Now those are dead. And they did not die pretty I might add. I do not really know how to do this right. At the time I had no one to talk to, and so it was hard to process and I got used to stuffing it inside. For years as well I have waited for this dream to come true and when it flopped I did not understand at all.
What do you do with dreams that are multilated but your heart still wants it? I do not know. I wish I had an answer. I will that there was a way out of this. Will God fufill these dreams or will they be for laid aside for something better. I do not know. What I do know is that I am having a hard time dealing with these questions. I want to be present, but I am not. I am still trying to figure out what happened and what I am doing wrong with this whole situation. I think if I was doing everything right then surely the desire would change or something at least. I do not know. I will just keep on walking, hoping that Jesus will come sometime along the way and rescue me.
I want to dream and have hope. How do I do that but be persent in what I am doing here? Are my hopes and dreams things that have to die? I don't know what to do. So, all I can is come to Jesus as I am and wait. I am ready to be out of all of this mess of feelings. It makes no sense, is unpredictable and leaves me feeling annoyed, mad and frustrated at life.
well, enough for today. thanks for reading.